Really? No...I mean REALLY!?!?!?
I will come totally clean that yes, yes I am a prude of the most judgemental sort about certain things...but baby, Sex ain't one of them! I don't want to know about your bathroom issues, bodily secretions, mucus, bodily noises, and things in the nether regions that may be of discomfort to you. No thank you. I am not lying when I tell you that it took an entire year to even let air escape from my stomach which therefor caused my esophagus to convulse in a very rapid motion that created an honorably fought, but alas, loud noise. Most people call it burping or belching, but I find even those words, shall we say, distasteful. *snort* (Snorting is aloud because it is an involuntary noise I make whilst laughing and I deem that it is charming for certain people to make this noise, including, but certainly not limited to, myself. Oh! The snor-ter must also create the noise in a mirthful, and dare I say, Lady Like way.)
Anyway, to the subject at hand. I am all for women's Lib! Hell, I marched with my Grandma for N.O.W. and E.R.A. Our Bodies, Ourselves! Whip out those mirrors and check out your bits! Tell your man where, how, faster, harder, more pressure, to the left, No, the other left, *SIGH* get off me and let me get my pocket rocket! Ah, now you may commence pleasing YOUR self as I please MY self and we all win without really having to work for it. (This in no way indicates the kind of Rumpy Pumpy that the shweetie and I enjoy...ed, before I got so sick.) You don't live your life with your soul mate for 17 years and have to tell him "No, your other left."
Ooh...goosebumps just remembering that feeling of absolute abandon because he knows my body better than I know my own, and vice verse. This auto-immune disease sucks, but let me tell you something, my man still calls me beautiful and we laugh together till our ribs hurt (which for me these days doesn't take much, but you get my meaning.) Wanna know the secret? Good times and Bad, Richer and Poorer, Sickness and in Health. I will put the caveat in that you fight hard, gutting out these hard times in your lives together with the person you were meant to be with. In Yiddish, your soul mate or " Destiny" is called your Bashert. No relevance, I just love the meaning.
Now see? Total T.M.I. about sex. Not a Prudey McPruderton about that. I can play one in certain company, but it takes some serious work to get me to blush about sex. Mention any sort of human waste product from the posterior nether region, and I wish you could see it, but I'm blushing right now.
Finally, I've got a scenario for you that is pertinent to the link of Stuffed Vagina's. *SNORT* (that was totally delicate and feminine, I assure you.)
Say you come to visit a friend you haven't seen in years, have a bit too much to drink, and they insist you spend the night. They have a lovely guest room, already set up with a robe, extra towels, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, dental floss, shower gel, bubble bath all set in a little basket. "DAMN", you think,"Martha Stewart's got nothin' but money and an army of staff on these guys" You proceed with your nightly ablutions and notice how inviting, plush, posh, and soft the linens and bed look. This room is paradise. Wait, that's an odd pillow....you stroke it a few times thinking "wow...really soft and so familiar." You're sleepy from drink, move the other decorative pillows and think, "Screw it...I LOVE this soft, long, pillow with all these folds that I can adjust to support my neck" not realizing you just gave up two perfect NASA foam pillows that cradle your neck and head in perfect alignment with your spine.
You wake up, the morning light filling the room and realize "Oh shit! I just drooled all night on their decorative pillow....shit, SHIT!" You panic and hold it up just the right way to see if you can wipe the drool away....and your heart just kinda stops. You spent all night drooling on a labia minora...and now it's drooling on you!
You know what, after writing out that scenario...that's a comically GENIUS way to screw with your guests.
I have to go now, I have a Plush Vagina to purchase.
Cheers!
Una *Unabridged*
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